Living w/ Women

This year has been a unique one for me.  Sure, I got engaged.  That’s a big difference in this year.  But the one that has affected me on a more daily basis has been my living situation.  This year I’ve been living in a house with five women, and I’m the lone man.

Up until this year, the most women I’ve ever lived with has been my Mom and my sister, but I had my Dad and my brothers to back me up.  Last year I lived with one woman, but had five other guys in the house.  This year it’s just me and more estrogen than you can shake a hairdryer at.

I thought this might play to my advantage.  I would be more prepared for married life after living with all these women.  That may nor may not be the case.  They are all very different from Abby.  But that’s not to say that I haven’t learned things this year.  In fact, let me fill you in on some of the things that I have learned about this year.

#347 – Spray Tans

Did you know that it’s important to lift up the boob and spray all the way underneath?  Or that you will look orange until you shower, then the spray tan will look normal (as normal as a spray tan can look).  I do now.

#348 – Highlights

First of all, brands matter.  It’s not just the brightness of the highlights, but also how long it lasts.  Finding a salon that carried that brand of highlights brings an added challenge.  And let’s say you have brown hair and you want blond highlights in half your hair.  Only half your hair needs to be worked on, right?  Wrong.  The other half needs to be dyed with a darker brown to make the blond stand out more.  Lowlighted, I guess.  And throwing in a strand of blue or purple is really cool as well.  Guess how much this costs.  Go ahead, I’ll wait… Wrong.  It costs about twice that.  Crazy huh?

#349 – Heels

Guys, here’s a tip.  Girls don’t really like to be surprised.  They do, just not all the way surprised.  If you’re going to take a girl to do something, at the very least you need to tell her if she can wear heels.  Which, I’ve found out, is pretty much at any point as long as you’re not mountain climbing.  No amount of pain is more important than making their calves look amazing.

#350 – Hand motions

Two hands held a few inches from your face, with the palms facing in, the fingers pointing at each other, pulled straight down and then flipped down your torso and away from your body mean “put makeup on and get dressed.”  As in “What time do we leave, because I still need to (hand motion).”  Maybe it’s not universal, but I guarantee you that every women who would witness the previous scene would know exactly what the other was talking about.

#351 – That which shall not be named

Yeah, I’ve had to deal with plenty of times where they’ll say something cryptically and I’ll say “what?” and they’ll say “nevermind, you don’t want to know,” which of course is already telling me what it is.  I lost count of the number of times I heard the words “bloating” or “cramping” followed by “ooh, sorry Matt.”

#352 – Farts

Here is my take on women farting.  Let’s say I’m on an elevator and it’s just me and an attractive woman.  No one else.  And it’s a long ride up to the top.  Let’s say that halfway up I smell something that wasn’t there when this elevator ride started.  My first reaction, and quite possibly my only reaction, would be “Oh my gosh, I hope she doesn’t think that was me.”

Turns out I was wrong.  Girls fart.  Who knew?

#353 – Laundry

I do laundry about once a month.  Probably more often, depending on when I run out of clean underwear.  And I don’t have a lot of clothes.  Actually, my wardrobe pales in comparison to the ladies in my house.  PALES.  Yet, somehow, they need to do laundry three times a week to actually have something to wear.  They are always doing laundry.  I’m positive that the amount of laundry done is at least three times the amount of clothing worn.  I have yet to figure this out.

Anyway, that is just a snippet of the list of things I have gained greater knowledge on this year so far.  I still have three months left.  And we haven’t even touched on purses yet.

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